Antichrist.

Yeah, so anyway...



Nicola and I, we were hanging out Saturday night, thinking we'd just have a quiet night in, and rent a couple movies.  So, we pop on down to the local video rental facility (which rules, by the way.  God save the video stores), and looked around.  Nicola came up to me and said "Will you read the back of this one?"  In explanation of this:  Nicola is a lovely girl, and I could think no more highly of her, but she will not read the synopsis of a god damned movie.  Don't know why.  She picks out movies based on front cover and actors, and then brings them to me for a final decision.  Just so you know; she's not illiterate.  Ha.  ANYWAY.  I look at the DVD.  It's called Antichrist.  That's a selling point for me.  I dig that kind of shit.  It's got Willem Dafoe in it.  Also good news.  Like that dude.  I read the synopsis, which says this:

"A grieving couple retreat to 'Eden', their isolated cabin in the woods, where they hope to repair their broken hearts and troubled marriage.  But nature takes its course, and things go from bad to worse."

Sounds decent, right?  And judging from the way the DVD is packaged, and the fact that my friend Willem is in it, I am hoping that it's going to be a reasonably intelligent, artistic horror movie.  We watch a lot of gory horror jams.  It's nice to see something that's really well written, directed, and acted.  We go home and watch this son of a gun.

Quick, ask me how it was.  I'll tell you.


I cannot argue that this movie is not well made.  It is extremely well made.  The imagery is completely effective, the acting is exhaustingly good, it was certainly frightening, and it made my brain want to come out of my head and take a fucking shower.  Lars von Trier, who directed this beast, knows what the hell he's doing.  


All of this being said, this question remains:  If a movie is very well done, but makes me want to vomit blood into my own grave which I will then happily choose to lie in forever, rather than watch that movie again, is it a good movie?  Who knows.


A bit more on the plot.  Movie opens.  Two main characters (who are never named) are boning.  Graphically.  Their three year old son is living large in his crib.  "Oh my god, the window in my bedroom blew open" says the kid, "I totally gotta jump out of it."  He does.  He dies.  Grief grief grief, feeling horrible for the parents, who both do a stellar job of portraying these characters.  Husband to wife :  "I am a psychiatrist.  I will help you get through this.  We will now go to the woods, because you're afraid of the woods and NOTHING FUCKING HORRIBLE EVER HAPPENS IN THE SECLUDED GOD DAMN WOODS.  This will somehow help you."  It doesn't.  The lady goes total batshit.  I won't give too much away, because I feel like the movie is worth experiencing, if you're into these sorts of flicks.  I will say this:  When shit gets heavy in this movie, it gets really, really heavy.  I am an avid horror movie watcher.  I loved Dead/Alive, I watched Hostel without looking away (not to say I liked that one), I can handle gore, I can handle some wicked shit.  This movie goes far beyond any of that.  The violence is horrifying, but it's compounded by the fact that there is not an ounce of reprieve from the anxious, stressed out, coming apart at the seams feel of this movie.  

These are faces I made during the course of the movie:

"What?  What?  Why would she do that?"

"Tell me when she is finished doing that."

"It's over?  Do you promise?  No, I don't want to watch the fucking special features."

I'm going to finish this off with kind of a spoiler, so if you haven't seen this movie, and you're thinking about it, maybe don't read on.  Or do, because I could save you some time.  Also, if you're my mom, because I know you might read this, mom, don't read what I'm about to write.

Ask yourself these questions:  "Do I want to see Willem Dafoe's naked wiener?  Do I want to see a three year old die?  Do I want to see Willem Dafoe's naked wiener again, except this time it gets smashed so hard by a firewood wielding lady-demon that it knocks him out, and squirts blood?  Do I want to see a woman mutilate her own genitals with scissors?  Really?  Do I?"

I leave you with this: